1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
9. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
10. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
11. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
12. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
13. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
14. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
15. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
16. Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
17. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
18. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
19. "Blog Note: Reason Omitted" Chuck Norris doesn't want you to know the 19th reason he's the f'ing man.
20. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
21. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
22. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
23. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
24. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
25. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
26. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. For the second time.
27. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
28. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
29. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
30. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
31. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
32. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
33. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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