When Stuffed Animals Attack

CAUTION !!! CAUTION!!! CAUTION!!! CAUTION!!!

(File no. 07b23a05p - Case no. 69Z - image 1A - edit)

Victim is in some sort of clearing in what seems to be the eastern portion of the Dillsboro State Park. The unidentified child, age unknown, sex unknown (diaper blocking view), race unknown is unaware of the stuffed animal danger all around. The animals have been identified as Hippo aka "Fat Mike", Froggy aka "F Daddy" (leader), Frogette aka "Mrs. Froggy", Sheep aka "Wool Nasty", "the Hurricane", "Black" or "Big Black" and Bunny aka "Fluff the Magic Dragon" or "Craig". The group are known as S.A.W.A. (Stuffed Animals With Attitude) and have been linked to several stuffed animal maulings in the surrounding areas.

(File no. 07b23a05p - Cas no. 69Z - image 2A - edit)

From this image CSI have determined the child has been startled by the gang's movement. Hippo's heavy breathing, due to his weight and asthma, are what CSI believes first awoke the baby prey. The kicking of the right leg seems to be a feeble defense mechanism and clearly doesn't deter the stuffed animals from their goal.

(File no. 07b23a05p - Case no. 69Z - image 3B - edit 2)

The Dillsboro Sheriff Dept. officers determined after interviewing more than two or three campers in the area that Froggy was heard taunting the child. In this image you can clearly see the baby draw it's attention towards Froggy and increase the leg kicking defense with a mix of arm movement.

(File no. 07b23a05p - Case no. 69Z - image 4 - edit b)

Dillsboro National Park Ranger I.P. Freely notices from image 4 that Fluffy makes the initial contact while the baby is responding to Froggy's apparent taunting. The immobilizing of the child's leg and subsequent stopping of the leg defense will allowed the gang to more easily attack the youngster and reach it's overall goal.

(File no. 07b23a05p - Case no. 69Z - image 6a - edit)

This image has captured the gang's full contact with the victim. Froggy has already slobbered on the baby's face and Frogette has the left arm in her ring trap. Hippo is clearly seen weezing in the victim's ear, while Bunny and Sheep attack the lower body. The end is near.

(File no. 07b23a05p - Case no. 69Z - image 6b - edit 2.0)

The horror that the hiker capturing these brutal images must have went through. Peter Gozinya, CSI Lead Detective, described the crime scene as, "...ridiculous..." and that, "...he's never seen anything like it." This is apparently S.A.W.A. protocol. The gang quickly overpowers their victims with stuffed animal cuteness and laser focus that few have ever lived to see. (Side Note: The hiker who's camera these images were extracted from was found just a few kilometers from this scene.) If anyone has any information on the whereabouts of the S.A.W.A. gang or any information concerning this or any other case involving these ruthless animals. Please contact the Dillsboro, N.C. Police Dept. at 1-800-516-3143.

The 10 Greatest Rap Groups Ever

Honorable Mention

The Fugees

Oh, what could have been. The Fugees are a legendary rap group if there ever was one. Their second album, "The Score", was a beautiful piece of music. They used several different melody styles and covered classic songs with ease. All three mc's have a different style of rhyming but they all work so well together, plus Lauren Hill's voice is killer. This was a supremely talented group of people with all three having varying levels of success as solo artists. Unfortunately they just can't get along. "The Score" is still the highest selling record ever for a hip-hop group. It's a shame we may never hear hem as a group again.

#10 De La Soul

De La Soul was art house rap before the likes of The Roots, Outkast and Lupe Fiasco. The group in my opinion has had one great album, "Stakes Is High", and two classic albums, "3 Feet High and Rising" and 1991's "De La Soul Is Dead". I love "De La Soul Is Dead" because it feels like they pretty much just made whatever they felt like making. It was so creative and cool.

#9 A Tribe Called Quest

The rumor is that after a reunion tour in 1996 that the group is working on a new album. That would be nice. This is a great hip-hop group and music needs more alternative groups to shake shit up. In ten years Quest released 6 albums and every other one was sweet. 1991's "The Low End Theory", 1993's "Midnight Marauders" and 1998's "The Love Movement". I wore the song Award Tour from "Midnight Marauders" out in high school. Q-Tip's solo album in 1999, "Amplified", was nice but I need the old crew back together. Let's hope they can pull it off.

# 8 The Pharcyde

This is another alternative rap group in my top ten. I really like rap groups that push the boundaries of hip-hop. The Pharcyde made easily one of the funnest and most creative records of the 90's with "Bizarre Ride II The Pharcyde". The monster hit Passing Me By was an amazing song and video. Their follow-up and only other recording with the original four members was in 1995 entitled "Labcabincalifornia" and featured the classic joint Runnin. I would definitely put these guys higher if they would've stayed together and made more great stuff. But, alas they only get an 8th place rank on the strength of two fantastic albums.

#7 Public Enemy

Way back before Flavor Flav became a joke he was the wise ass rhymer in Public Enemy. Flav was the yin to Chuck D's yang. Public Enemy was straight up bad ass! These brothers were just militant. They amount of social unrest and shit these guys started was unbelievable. There never has and may never be a group in any musical form with the nuts of Public Enemy. In a four year period between 1987 and 1991 Public Enemy released "Yo! Bum Rush the Show", "It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back", "Fear of a Black Planet" and finally "Apocolypse 91...The Enemy Strikes Back". Each record got angrier and angrier and politically distributed beat downs on both sides of the aisle. Chuck D was too smart for his own good. I think the group came off as a little cartoonish to folks because of Flav, Terminater X, Professor Griff and Sister Souljah, who at times could be a beating to deal with all their blackness. But, Chuck was the man. He would fit in today's dangerous days very well. Public Enemy was an original and no has even tried to copy them yet.

#6 The Beastie Boys

These guys are technically my favorite group on the list. They are true New York hip-hop when they wanna be. When they wanna be the group version of Beck I think they are impossible to beat. They might be ranked higher if they just stuck with rhymes like they did on their last release, "To The Five Burroughs" in 2004, which was an open letter to the city they hail from NYC. To me The Beasties haven't made a single weak album. From "License To Ill" (ultimate party album) to "Paul's Boutique" (ultimate sample album) to "Check Your Head" (ultimate instrumental album) to "Ill Communication" (ultimate rap-rock album) to "Hello Nasty" (ultimate alternative album) to "Burroughs" (ultimate return to rap album). The Beastie Boys are the only group to ever win an alternative rock and rap Grammy in the same year. That's why to me they're the best. But, not the best on this list.

# 5 The Wu-Tang Clan

Emerging in 1993, when Dr. Dre's G-funk had overtaken the hip-hop world, the Staten Island, NY-based Wu-Tang Clan proved to be the most revolutionary rap group of the mid-'90s - and only partially because of their music. Turning the standard concept of a hip-hop crew inside out, the Wu-Tang Clan were assembled as a loose congregation of nine MCs, almost as a support group. Instead of releasing one album after another, the Clan was designed to overtake the record industry in as profitable a fashion as possible - the idea was to establish the Wu-Tang as a force with their debut album and then spin off into as many side projects as possible. In the process, the members would all become individual stars as well as receive individual royalty checks.

#4 The Roots

Though popular success has largely eluded the Roots, the Philadelphia group showed the way for live rap, building on the "hip-hop band" philosophy of the mid-'80s by focusing on live instrumentation at their concerts and in the studio. Though their album works have been inconsistent affairs, more intent on building grooves than pushing songs, the Roots' live shows are among the best in the business.

#3 Run DMC

Run-D.M.C. took hardcore hip-hop from an underground street sensation to a pop-culture phenomenon. Although earlier artists, such as Grandmaster Flash and the Sugar Hill Gang, made rap's initial strides on the airwaves, it was Run-D.M.C. that introduced hats, gold chains, and untied sneakers to youth culture's most stubborn demographic group: white, male, suburban rock fans. In the process, the trio helped change the course of popular music, paving the way for rap's second generation. 1986's "Raising Hell", might be my favorite record ever.

#2 Outkast

OutKast's blend of gritty Southern soul, fluid raps and the rolling G-funk of their Organized Noize production crew epitomized the Atlanta wing of hip-hop's rising force, the Dirty South, during the late '90s. Along with Goodie Mob, OutKast took Southern hip-hop in bold, innovative new directions: less reliance on aggression, more positivity and melody, thicker arrangements, and intricate lyrics. After Dre and Big Boi hit number one on the rap charts with their first single "Player's Ball," the duo embarked on a run of platinum albums spiked with several hit singles, enjoying numerous critical accolades in addition to their commercial success. "B.O.B." on 2004's Stankonia is the coolest rap song ever.

#1 N.W.A.

This posse permanently changed the face of West Coast rap and that of the hip-hop nation itself. Completely ignoring the poppier aspects of West Coast, N.W.A.'s musical style was slower, heavier and more spare than even East Coast counterpart Public Enemy, and lyrically their hardcore, no-punches-pulled street dramas left nothing to the imagination. Their world of dope deals, 'ho's, 8-balls and violence was tagged "reality rap" by primary lyricist Ice Cube Niggaz With Attitude's nucleus was Dr. Dre (Andre Young) and DJ Yella(Antoine Carraby)--two DJ/producers who'd had success with World Class Wreckin' Cru--joined by rappers MC Ren (Lorenzo Patterson) and Cube. Dre and Cube began writing for Eazy-E (Eric Wright), a former dealer who founded Ruthless Records with drug money. Their initial effort was the anthem "Boyz-N-The Hood," written for a Ruthless artist who rejected it. Eazy decided to rap it himself, and N.W.A. was born. Initially a loose crew of friends (N.W.A. And The Posse), half fell away by the second disc, the landmark "Straight Outta Compton". Even the F.B.I. got bent over "Fuck Tha Police;" a track which secured N.W.A.'s black answer to the defiance and obnoxiousness of punk rock everlasting infamy. Before the next LP, Cube quit, accusing manager Jerry Heller of ripping off his royalties. That albaum was 1991's "EFIL4ZAGGIN", the best rap album ever! Even without Cube. But, then, that was it. N.W.A. fell from critical grace, before the group finally splintered. Besides being gutsy enough to make records so bold, N.W.A was the flagship that launched the substantial solo careers of Dre, Cube and Eazy. Eazy died from AIDS in '95, Dre has become the genre's most significant producer, and Cube continues to be most distinctive and consistent voice in rap. N.W.A. is my second favorite music group, behind Metallica, ever.

My Rankings of the Metallica Albums from Worst to First (*indicates favorite songs)

#8 ReLoad

"ReLoad" 1997

Fuel*

The Memory Remains*

Devil's Dance

The Unforgiven II*

Better Than You

Slither

Carpe Diem Baby*

Bad Seed

Where The Wild Things Are

Prince Charming

Low Man's Lyric

Attitude

Fixxxer

This is a terrible Metallica album. This is the only one I didn't buy. The tracks on this money grab were supposed to be on the "Load" album, which was gonna be a double album, but they decided to split them up and charge people twice. If they would've taken the best songs off of this and best from "Load" and just made one full length record I would rank the album overall pretty high. This was a big disappointment.

#7 St. Anger

"St. Anger" 2003

Frantic*

St. Anger*

Some Kind Of Monster

Dirty Window

Invisible Kid *

My World

Shoot Me Again

Sweet Amber

The Unnamed Feeling

Purify

All Within My Hands*

I was really anticipating the release of this album after the debacle of the "Load" and "ReLoad" albums, so when it came out I really loved it at first. Then it began to grow on me the opposite way. The PING! sound of Ulrich's drums were cool at first, then they got annoying. Also, the rehab lyrics that Hetfield broke out were at times lame. Somebody get this guy a drink. It's a load and power full album but the bass parts were mixed low in Newsted's absence and there were zero guitar solos. Ouch.

#6 Load

"Load" 1996

Ain't My Bitch

2 X 4*

The House Jack Built

Until It Sleeps*

King Nothing*

Hero Of The Day*

Bleeding Me*

Cure

Poor Twisted Me

Wasting My Hate*

Mama Said*

Thorn Within

Ronnie

The Outlaw Torn

This is another record that just doesn't hold up. I fully understand that the group grew up, changed, expanded, but come on! I want fast and hard from Metallica. A lot of people really liked this album because of all the chances they took on it. I really like a few songs and like I said if you take a few off of "ReLoad" and put them on this, then cut the fat off, you've got a great album.

#5 Ride The Lightning

"RideThe Lightning" 1984

Fight Fire With Fire*

Ride The Lightning*

For Whom The Bell Tolls*

Fade To Black*

Trapped Under Ice

Escape

Creeping Death

The Call Of Ktulu*

At first I really hated this album. It's the last one I bought and it has really grown on me. It feels like a fatter version of "Kill 'Em All". This album feels big and still keeps the speed ramped up. After the making of this recording both Ulrich (drums) and Hammett (guitar) took lessons and you can really tell on the next album, "Master Of Puppets".

#4 ...And Justice For All

"...And Justice For All" 1988

Blackened*

...And Justice For All*

Eye Of The Beholder*

One*

The Shortest Straw*

Harvester Of Sorrow*

The Frayed Ends Of Sanity*

To Live Is To Die

Dyer's Eve*

This was the first Metallica album I ever listened to. I was in 8th grade and my cousin Jeremy broke it out on me. I was blown away. Metallica was supposed to be for "headbangers" and "stoners" but once I started hearing this shit on nice car systems I was hooked. Jeremy used to joke that skipping through songs on "...And Justice For All" was like fast-forwarding through five tapes. He wasn't kidding. Every song is like an hour long. "One" is the only song they play in it's entirety in concert. They play medley-mega-mix of four other songs. I don't blame 'em. "...And Justice For All" holds a special place in my heart. It was the first (the group's fourth) album and I love it.

#3 Metallica

"Metallica" (The Black Album) 1991

Enter Sandman*

Sad But True*

Holier Than Thou*

The Unforgiven*

Wherever I May Roam*

Don't Tread On Me

Through The Never*

Nothing Else Matters*

Of Wolf And Man*

The God That Failed

My Friend Of Misery*

The Struggle Within*

If someone told me to choose three albums as the soundtrack to my highschool experience, they would be Nirvana's "Nevermind", Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" and Metallica's "Metallica", also known as The Black Album. I can pop this beauty in and it still sounds so good. This record is a major change, good or bad, from their first four releases. This was a much more pop record. The songs were much shorter and streamlined. Lyrically Hetfield kept it pretty light compared to say "...And Justice For All" and the band seemed tighter, better produced. I know a few people who think The Black Album was the beginning of the end for Metallica. This album sold a zillion more than all their previous stuff combined. Reality is that because of this album Metallica became mainstream for better or worse and to a lot of people that spelled trouble. I don't care. This is a great album.

#2 Master Of Puppets

"Master Of Puppets" 1986

Battery*

Master Of Puppets*

The Thing That Should Not Be

Welcome Home (Sanitarium)*

Disposable Heroes*

Leper Messiah

Orion*

Damage, Inc.*

I've owned more copies of this album than anything I've ever owned. I had it twice on tape and twice on cd. I've listened to this album so much I think I could play each member's parts for them if my life depended on it. Seven of the nine songs are truly perfect. The speed, the power, the growth from the first two records is just awesome. This to me is best sounding of all eight on a great stereo. "Orion" on a system that hits is spectacular and "Damage Inc." just straight out crushes. Up until this past year this was my favorite Metallica album. I wouldn't be surprised if it goes back to the top my list this time next year.

#1 Kill 'Em All

"Kill 'Em All" 1983

Hit The Lights*

The Four Horsemen*

Motorbreath*

Jump In The Fire*

Anesthesia - (Pulling Teeth)

Whiplash*

Phantom Lord

No Remorse*

Seek And Destroy*

Metal Militia*

Bonus Tracks:

Blitzkrieg*

Am I Evil?*

The thing that puts this masterpiece in first are the two bonus tracks. "Blitzkrieg" and "Am I Evil?" are my two favorite songs on this bad mother fucker. They sound so young and play so fast. Of all the records I think this one fits in the best today. It's heavy but more in an alternative rock way today. It's super fast but lucid and free-flowing. If this came out today it would be huge. It feels fresh and stripped down compared to all the other albums. Metallica's sound got larger and larger until The Black Album, so when you pop this in you can really feel the propulsion and ferocity. Plus, it sounds like it cost about ten dollars to record which just adds to the nostalgia. "Kill 'Em All" is the champion as of now.

The Top 15 Best Rappers Ever

Honorable Mention

Kanye West

West is the most talented guy overall on this list. As a rapper/producer/innovator he deserves at least a honorable mention. He isn't the best rapper ever by any means, but, he's creative as hell and knows how to make killer albums either for himself or for others. Plus, "Jesus Walks" might be one of the best songs of this decade.

#15 Ol' Dirty Bastard

The funniest rapper ever. Ever. His first solo album, "Return to the 36 Chambers", was awesome. The cd cover was a picture of his food stamp voucher card. Classic. He was reportedly drunk half the time and high the other half while making that album and you could tell. "Brooklyn Zoo", the only single from that album, was sick. He was the oddest oddball in the Wu-Tang Clan and will be missed.

#14 Common

Common has such a smooth, calm flow. His raps are realistic and sound sincere. The guy has a feel for the street but doesn't front like he's street. "The Corner" is a great song and one of my favorites of the last couple of years. Hooking up with Kanye West was the best thing this cat could've ever done. Nobody listened to his first couple of records until West produced "Be" in 2005.

#13 Mos Def

The most underrated rapper on the list. I might even be underrating him. Mos Def is becoming more well known for his acting than his rapping, which is too bad, he's a great rapper. Smart, funny, sarcastic, Mos Def is a minimalist when it comes to rhymes. He's never had a huge hit and seems to do better rapping with other people, playing off of their words and ideas.

#12 50Cent

I would put 50 higher if I truly believed he could do it without Dr. Dre. I don't question the flow, but, it's those wicked beats along with his raspy voice that makes the magic. This might be just me but him having an energy drink, clothing line, etc. doesn't help when it comes to his portrayal of himself as a bad ass in his songs. Remember when he first came out of nowhere? All anyone knew was that he'd been shot a thousand times and looked like a super hero. Now he's orchestrating a symphony in a Vitamin Water commercial...damn it 50!!!

#11 T.I.

He could one of these days be top five. Easy. For now he needs to serve his time on weapons charges and figure out how to make his next record not sound like all his previous records. That's my only beef with T.I., he figured out what works and just keeps doing it over and over. Now trust me he's a freak on the mic, no doubt, but he's needs to expand. The gun charges helps the rep so he has that going for him. Good job T!

#10 Lil' Wayne

Weezy is the hottest rapper as of right now. He's easily the most willing to do anything on a track he feels like doing. Plus no one works more than this guy. If he's not putting out mix tapes in between his albums he's on other people songs doing outlandish verses. Wayne is one of the few guys that could carry a whole record without any cameos from anyone else.

#9 Talib Kweli

Nobody knows who this guy is. He couldn't be picked out of a line-up by his own family. All this guy does is keep making brilliant albums. His new one "Eardrum" is fantastic and last album "Beautiful Struggle" in 2004 was better than the classic "Reflectional Eternal" from 2000. If him and Mos Def had continued rapping together in Black Star they could've been the art house version of Outkast.

#8 LL Cool J

LL is a blast from the past. Growing up I wanted to be LL Cool J. "Bigger and Deffer" is an awesome record, I still rock it, and "Walking With the Panther" had more hits than "Thriller" for God's sake! I put L so high because he keeps coming back from the dead. Every time people clown him he roars back with a hot track. He's a legend and even though he thinks he's the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time), which he's not, he is what a rapper is supposed to be.

#7 Ice Cube

Forget the crappy Friday sequels and forget the crappy Barber Shop movies and even try to forget the really crappy kids movies and for the love of God don't mention XXX:State of the Union. Forget all that. I forgot all that when I put this list together. All I can remember is his killer vocals with N.W.A. and his first three records - "Amerikkka's Most Wanted", "Kill At Will" (EP), and "Death Certificate". That alone makes Cube the shit.

#6 Nas

Nas is the king of New York because to me he is the most associated with the New York hip hop sound. His first record "Illmatic" might be arguably the greatest rap record ever. It feels like he painted a picture of New York with his vocals. Nas isn't the best New York rapper (Rakim, Jay Z, Biggie) but because he never got as huge as Hova or Biggie he seems to just be New York instead of world wide. I think that's the way Nas wants it.

#5 2Pac

If this were a list of my 15 favorite rappers Pac would be number one by a mile. I loved this dude so much. He to me is the true definition of a rapper. The attitude, the voice, the presence, the bravado, the controversy, the ego, the rep, and now the legend. He had a prolific work ethic in the studio, that's why he's had more records released post humorously than alive. 2Pac sounded great with any producer he worked with. His deep voice and staccato delivery could be shaped to work with so many different track styles. Some street guy took a bunch of his verses and made a legendary mix tape before Tupac died that sounded like straight up fight music. I've only heard the tape once at a buddies house who's a huge hip hop head. That tape made you wanna go out fight a brother or two I promise. "Holler If Ya Hear Me" from Strictly for my N.I.G.G.A.Z. is my favorite rap song ever. The fight in that guy's voice is wicked and he doesn't use a single cuss word one. I miss his music. I miss his movies. I wonder what he would've evolved into over the years.

#4 Rakim

This mug had the coolest voice and smoothest delivery of hard lyrics ever. I thought his partner Eric B was a joke and I never liked him, but I got nothin' but love for Rakim. I was a freshman in high school when "Don't Sweat the Technique" came out and the record got washed up in the Dr. Dre craze, but me and my boys didn't sleep on Rakim. The songs Microphone Feind and Don't Sweat the Technique are bad ass tracks. Rakim was true and made you believe he could really beat your ass unlike a lot of these paper cut-out rappers of today.

#3 Jay Z

The word is prolific. Jay Hova might be about everyone else's number one. Jay often calls himself the greatest rapper alive, referring to Biggie being gone, and he might be. The fact that he doesn't write anything down and just goes in the studio and lays it down over a beat is mind boggling. Whats kept Jay Z relevant and on top for so long is that he has changed with the times. Forget the Jordan-like retirement and weak "Kingdom Come" album after retirement, Jay Z is bad. He works with great producers and they in turn keep him sounding current. Unlike a lot of fad rappers who are hot for a minute, Jay's body of work and current record "American Gangster" prove he can stay on top year in and year out. What I like about Jay Z is that he doesn't over exaggerate his toughness. He has mega street cred from back in the day and doesn't wear it out.

#2 Eminem

Marshal Mathers is the greatest rapper talent wise ever. Period. He's the most creative and inventive with lyrics and difficult word combinations. He changes his delivery and sound of his voice to fit whatever track he's on. He understands how to make hard rap and how to make pop rap and he doesn't make being white a clique. Emenim has made two of my favorite rap records ever. Two! "The Slim Shady LP" and the follow up "The Marshal Mathers LP". Most of the tracks on the first album were produced by the Bass Brothers and not Dr. Dre. The reason I mention that is he, unlike 50Cent, can create without the Dr's safety net. "Lose Yourself" (Em's best song) from the 8 Mile Sdtk. didn't have anything to do with Dr. Dre. So why isn't Eminem number one? He is the most gifted rapper on this list in my opinion. So why? Well I'll tell you why-he won't stop rapping about his daughter or his ex-wife or Britney Spears or boy bands or any other redundant topic. I hear he's planning a comeback and working on a new record as we speak. I hope he comes out spitting mad game, over hot tracks, with interesting topics or he might fall down this list.

#1 The Notorious B.I.G.

Pop in 1994's "Ready To Die". Or listen to him on Puffy's "Victory". Or listen to his verses on "Mo Money Mo Problems" from "Life After Death" and that will answer all questions as to who the greatest rapper ever is, was or ever will be. I didn't appreciate Biggie until after his untimely passing. That's my fault. This dude was the truth. Period. I know I didn't like him as much as I should've because of his beef with 2Pac. My bad. I get it now. Christopher "Big Poppa" Wallace is the...Greatest Ever.

The 25 Greatest G.I. Joe Action Figures

#25 Cobra Commander (Hood)

Was this Cobra Commander's leisure attire? This outfit is gay and not real conducive to ruling the world. Also, does the commander look a little bloated in this get-up?

#24 Serpentor

This guy was terrible. He had a little flying thing you could stand him on that looked like a Hover Round. This is the cheese dick that wanted to take over the Cobra Forces and defeat G.I. Joe? What a joke.

#23 Snow Job

This douschebag was great if you lived in Colorado, but if you don't get a lot of snow where you live, playing with this guy is a waste of time. He looked cool and all but he would've fit in better on the snowy Hoth planet from Empire Strikes Back.

#22 Buzzer

This guy came with with multiple ways to jack you up. He had a chainsaw and a gas can. Awesome!

#21 Red Ninja
The only reason Red Ninja is on here is because he's a ninja. Otherwise, he sucked. I mean I love ninjas but the Hasbro people didn't even bother giving this guy a name. Storm Shadow used to bitch slap this guy all the time.

#20 Cobra Officer

If you had a full G.I. Joe action figure collection to do battle with the kid's collection next door you had to have at least two or three of these dudes.

#19 Air Trooper

I never really understood why this guy was an "Air Trooper", he didn't have parachute and he didn't fly ish. All he did was toast people with his fire equipment.

#18 Sgt. Flash

This tool had a funky looking gun and must've also played catcher on the G.I. Joe co-ed softball team.

#17 Crimson Guard

The tv show made the Crimson Guard guys just a step above inept but I always liked these dudes. They were the elite Cobra troops, so I guess most of them had special training or college or something.

#16 Cobra Trooper

This is the basic Cobra foot soldier/bullet stopper. If Cobra were to invade Iraq these guys would go in first. I had like ten of these and pummeled all of them relentlessly.

#15 Stalker

This guy was one of the few Green Berets that were a part of the G.I. Joe fighting unit. What made Stalker a cut above the rest is that he went to battle wearing pajamas.

#14 Tunnel Rat

This cat was one of my favorites. I made him do all kinds of covert ish. He was fun to play with.

#13 Firefly

This was the Cobra covert guy I used. I wished his camo were a little darker but other than that he was great.

#12 Shipwreck

When I used to make my G.I. Joes fight one another I had Ship Wreck beat about everyone but the ninjas' asses. The bird had to go though.

#11 Zartan

As an action figure Zartan was a joke. The only reason why he's so high on the list is because he could change colors. Now that's technology.

#10 Flint

The Green Beret that didn't wear pajamas. I think Flint was second in command behind Duke. I also believe Flint was banging Scarlett.

#9 Road Block

This brother was a bad ass and had the largest gun ever. Rambo ain't got nothin' on Road Block.

#8 Duke

Duke was the man. He was a pimp on the cartoon and all the kids thought he was the best. I liked him better on tv than in real life, but he was still sweet.

#7 Cobra Commander (Helmet)

Now this is the real Cobra Commander. When he's rocking the helmet you know he means business. Also, like the KC Royals, he looks better in the powder blue gear.

#6 Destro

You wanna talk about a bad ass? This is your bad ass! Destro was Darth Vader and Clubber Lang all rolled into one. The guy had a metal face. A metal face! If Cobra Commander was George Bush, then Destro was Dick Chaney. Destro was the real evil one.

#5 Gung Ho

Gung Ho was awesome for three reasons. One, he had a huge Marine Core tattoo on his chest. Two, you could see the tat because he wore only a vest and three, because he used a grenade launcher as a gun. Enough said.

#4 Storm Shadow (2nd Version)

This version of the super ninja and Snake Eyes brother Storm Shadow is what he wore when he punked out of Cobra. I never wanted Storm Shadow to be a good guy. He's like Randy Moss going to the Patriots. G.I. Joe already had a great team then they go and get Cobra's baddest dude? Not fair.

#3 Snake Eyes

This is my favorite G.I. Joe (good guy) ever. The cartoon and comic book made this mug out to be a living legend. He was a ninja, commando, special ops guy, spy, cook, hell you name it he could do it all. Plus, he was blind and mute so he had to use all of his senses.

#2 Storm Shadow (Original)

This my favorite G.I. Joe (bad guy) ever. He would later become a good guy and join his brother Snake Eyes with the Joes, but when he became my man was when he was messing people up for Cobra. Storm Shadow made me want to become a ninja. As a kid I had karate outfit that I drew the Cobra logo on to look like this champion with a red magic marker.

#1 Snake Eyes (w/Kick Ass Dog)
The dog puts it over the top.