The 12 Greatest "Stupid Sports" Ever

#12 Frisbee Golf

Who ever came up with this ridiculous game is an idiot. For one frisbees alone are just the worst. Chucking a frisbee back and forth to another loser is bad enough. I think I've thrown a frisbee consecutively to another individual for maybe three minutes tops. Then you add golf to the equation? Are you serious? Golf? What a joke. I refuse to load up and catapult a plastic disc across a fairway towards a metal basket on a poll with a flag on top. This would be the reason why there's a "Frisbee Golf Course" at Herman Hill. If you're a Wichitan you get rainbowish reference.

#11 Ladder Golf

This is a truly terrible game. I do not understand why more people aren't seriously hurt playing this red-neck yard game. My little brother Houston built one of these and brought it to a 4th of July get together and rocked this ish for hours. Unfortunately no one was injured. How the ropes holding the golf balls don't come undone and smack someone in the face is beyond me.

#10 Yard Darts

The only thing that makes "Yard Darts" better than "Ladder Golf" is the injuries. You will get hurt playing this game, or someone you know will. Break this horrible invention out at a party, a party with say, alcohol and let the games begin. I guarantee a 911 call by dusk.



#9 Bumper Pool

I am ridiculously bad at regular pool. I have the shot making ability of a three-year-old. Maybe. But, get me on a "Bumper Pool" table and I might beat your ass. Get me on a "Bumper Pool" table with four drinks in me and might really beat your ass.

#8 Darts

I have a buddy named Justin who is in a "Dart League". A lot of people are in "Dart Leagues". A lot of bars sponsor "Dart Leagues". You are a loser if you are in a "Dart League"!!! This is probably (to me) the stupidest sport ever. The game actually has like real rules. I'm not kidding. I asked Justin half through his snoozefest...I mean tournament, to explain exactly wtf was going on and two sentences into it I thought I was gonna have a brain hemorrhage. Fun game though.

#7 Washers

My uncle Danny brought this concoction he built to a family get together one year and tried to make me believe it was a real game and not something he just made up. Whatever Dan. We played this difficult as hell game until dark and I was hooked. It took me a few years to realize that uncle Danny didn't invent "Washers". I learned that this game had been around for a while. That there were idiots that claimed to professionals at this and that they participated on the "Professional Washer Circuit". Huh? Whoever developed and sold the rights to this cheap ass game is a rich bastard!

#6 Shuffleboard

I played this game once with my former boss, Gary, in a piece of ish bar in Nowheresville, Kansas. We were there to sell the tavern some Tombstone pizza and while we were waiting for the bar guy to write us a check, Gary starts talking smack to a couple of guys playing "Shuffleboard". He proceeds to challenge these mugs to a battle. Losers buy a round of beers. I had to remind Gary that we were working at the time and we probably shouldn't drink. He explained that we were at our last account for the day and that we were in a different area code than Wichita, so we were good. O.k. then. These two guys beat the piss out of us. I mean bad. I guess I didn't have to worry about that whole drinking and driving the truck thing. The funny thing is Gary said he wouldn't have ever challenged those guys if he'd have known I was so terrible at this game. I told him he never asked. I'm better now thankfully. Shout out to my friend Desi for that.

#5 Wiffle Ball

"Wiffle Ball" might be better than actual "Baseball". If not, it's close. When I used to live on Fern St. my uncle Danny would get teams together and play "Wiffle" in our side yard all day. Man you could throw some Dwight Gooden wicked ish with a "Wiffle Ball"! Fortunately, Danny would take it easy on the little kids and not break out his entire repatriate of nasty pitches on us. Possibly the cheapest of the "Stupid Sports" and easily one of the funnest. I've thought long and hard about starting a "Wiffle Ball League"and making uncle Dan the Commissioner.

#4 Foosball

I put this sweet game #4 out of pure respect. I'm not really any good at "Foosball". I could beat a girl that is equally not very good, but other than that, I suck. This "Stupid Sport" is fun to play and just as much fun to watch. Especially if you've got two or four really tanked up softball guys playing each other. Then it is real fun to watch. You know the guys. Loud, obnoxious, drunk guys with huge forearms. Softball guy. Some of these guys can get the nastiest spin on these tables man. It's really cool!!!

#3 Air Hockey

I used to dismantle chumps on the "Air Hockey" table at the Palace East back in high school. My nickname was, "Next", because that's all I would say after handling my competition. You see that's why "Stupid Sports" are a fat guy's dream...we can compete! I can't run full court basketball (or half court for that matter) with guys and not die, but, I can play a "Stupid Sport" with anyone. All you need is hand eye coordination and a desire to be good at something. Hell anything.

#2 Ping-Pong

If you call "Ping-Pong", say, "Table Tennis", you need to lighten up McEnroe. The dousche bag that rolls into a bar or public rec, with his custom paddle in a case, is an asshat. Why are you wearing a head band? What do you mean you need to stretch before we play? It's "Ping-Pong"!!! I know a few guys like this. They're probably still virgins, if not, I want to see proof of purchase. I played this one guy at his house once. I used to work with him. He's a pretty good athlete, a little round, but still a pretty good athlete. I won't name any names (Chris Hall), but, this guy thought I was just some tubby cat with no skills he could invite over to his crib and beat like a drum. Poor guy who's name I won't mention (Chris Hall, 10509 West Jewell Ct.). I absolutely pummeled this guy. Now his wife won't stop calling me and his oldest boy refers to me as his "real dad". That's how bad I whooped this dude's ass. He claims to this day I cheated. If by cheating he means repeatedly firing an arsenal of shots that would make Agassi proud past his flailing paddle, then yeah, I cheated my ass off.

#1 Miniature Golf

When I was a kid I wanted to grow up and become a professional "Miniature Golf Course" designer. Who am I kidding, I still wanna be a professional "Miniature Golf Course" designer. I don't even think "Golf" is much more than a hobby and calling it a "real" sport (even though it is)is difficult for me to do. So that makes "Miniature Golf" the best "Stupid Sport" on the planet. When you hit a hole in one, that included shooting a neon colored golf ball through a clown's mouth, you are playing a truly "Stupid Sport" and I love it! The best thing about "Miniature Golf" is that anyone can play it. The other thing is all the different types of courses and creative obstacles that you have to maneuver around. I played a fun little course on the cruise ship my wife and I were on for our honeymoon. Believe it or not I had never beat my wife in "Miniature Golf" the entire time we dated. You see, she's very good at boardgames, card games, video games and "Stupid Sports". Well, I beat her ass on our honeymoon. Oh, yeah!!! Beat her ass good. I was like Arnold Palmer that day. I don't think she's ever gotten over the assault I put on that course. I literally ran a clinic on how to beat that ass. My array of shots were astounding and pretty much unbeatable. Maybe Tiger Woods could've beat me that day. Maybe. So for my money "Miniature Golf" is the greatest "Stupid Sport" of them all.

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